This reflection gives us a brief view of the wedding ceremony itself. It is told entirely from the point of view of the onlookers. Solomon sent an elaborate procession to bring Shulamith from Lebanon into the capital city of Jerusalem. The Chorus represents the awed people of Jerusalem who watched Shulamith make her entrance into the city.

As this large wedding procession approached the city, incense of myrrh and frankincense was burned at both ends of the line. The fragrant smell filled the air and the fire's smoke billowed ahead and behind the procession.

Shulamith was being carried on a raised "couch" into the city. This elaborate bed was probably covered with elegant tapestries and was literally carried by several men. All around Shulamith's perch were sixty of the mightiest men of Israel with swords drawn. Solomon was taking no chances of his bride being stolen away in the wilderness!

Solomon had also had a large chariot with a throne made for him to sit in as he met his bride. It was probably more like a "reclining couch" that was covered by elaborate tapestries and elevated upon four pillars which were made of silver and gold. The covering and headboard of Solomon's "chariot" was purple, which was the most expensive fabric in the world. The last phrase of the verse "paved with love," does not mean that the ladies of Jerusalem were riding with Solomon but rather that they had lined the outside edge of the fancy chariot with flowers. What a sight this wedding day meeting must have been!

This is a reference to the custom of the mother of the groom weaving a garland for her son on his wedding day. Solomon's garland of flowers must have been something to behold and all of the ladies are commanded to look at King Solomon. The point is that Solomon certainly looked his best on his wedding day!

This simple reflection teaches us several important principles that God has for the marriage ceremony. First, an elaborate ceremony or an effort to make the day "special" is not frowned upon by God and actually encouraged. Second, the ceremony, no matter how big or small, must be a public attestation and have the favor of the local authorities. If a couple is not "legally married" then they are not married in the sight of God and the decision to be married should be expressed publicly.

The Bible assumes four steps that make a couple "married."

1. A commitment to leave the parents. Genesis 2:24 reads "For this cause a man shall leave his father and mother, and cleave to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. Too many marriages today fail because the man or the woman continually side with their parents or get them involved in issues rather than work it out together. The marriage commitment means that, if necessary, the spouse would be willing to stand with their mate and against their parents.

2. A commitment to cleave. "To cleave" means to "stick like glue." For a person to be married as God designed, they must be committed to their spouse for life. Too many marriages today end in divorce because the couple is simply not committed to each other. We should not have a "let's try it and see if it works out" attitude when entering marriage.

3. Sexual intercourse. This is the consummation of marriage. But sexual intercourse outside of marriage does not mean that the man and woman are married because they do not have the other elements. Sex outside of marriage is sinful because it breaks the laws of God concerning a man and a woman becoming one in matrimony.

4. A public attestation - There needs to be some type of public ceremony and a submission to local authorities. If a wedding license is legally required, then the couple should have a wedding license. Most men today do not have any desire for a wedding ceremony and simply "endure" the day. But Solomon showed us the scriptural way by actively participating in the planning and events of the wedding day. Both the bride and the groom should work together to make the day a memorable one no matter the size of the wedding party or celebration.

Reflections #s 4-6 are all memories of events that happened during Solomon and Shulamith's courtship before marriage. Studying these reflections gives us Biblical insight into the purpose of dating and the engagement period. The events of these reflections all center around a springtime visit of Solomon to Shulamith's home and countryside.

Shulamith's home was surrounded by beautiful mountains and lush valleys. Within the valleys, beautiful gardens and fruitful vineyards thrived. Her home was in the northern part of Galilee. Shulamith becomes excited as she sees Solomon from afar coming to visit her.

Solomon is just as excited to see Shulamith and is obviously coming to her home with great speed as she compares him with a young deer. When Solomon arrived at the home, he came to the wall and caught sight of Shulamith through the windows. In Palestine, the windows of the poor people were often created with "lattice type" blinds that could be opened or closed. Solomon is peering through these slats.

Solomon is calling to her and inviting her on a date! The old adage that a girl should never first call a guy, but the man should ask out the woman is scriptural, because it was Solomon that asked Shulamith to "go with him."

Winter is over and it is obviously spring time. Solomon is inviting Shulamith to come on a walk through the countryside with him. It is interesting to note that Solomon is the richest person in the world, and yet when he comes to spend a date with his beloved, there is no mention of extravagant gifts or expensive arrangements. In fact, Solomon is inviting Shulamith to walk with him and talk with him!

The first purpose for dating and the time of the engagement is so that the couple can get to know each other in a "non-sexual" way. When a couple is involved sexually before marriage, they spend more time "making out" than they do really getting to know each other. From these few verses we can learn several important scriptural principles about dating in general and in particular the time of engagement:

1. Dates should be planned so that a maximum of communication can take place between the couple. Ideal dates are not "a movie" or a "group party." Ideal dates are places where simple, honest, and sincere conversation can take place. There is nothing wrong with having fun in groups, but the purpose of most dates should be communication.

2. It is scriptural to date alone as a couple and not in groups as long as it is in a public place. Many preachers today teach that their young couples should not go out together without a group or a chaperone. This is simply not scriptural. In these verses, Solomon and Shulamith are alone walking through the countryside. They are in a public place where there is little chance for sexual temptation, but they are alone. In order for true communication to take place, a dating couple must spend some time alone in honest conversation.

Many people advocate group dating because they say that it brings "less sexual temptation." Unfortunately, it also causes a lack of the communication that comes from spending time alone. Couples should avoid dates and places that would give way to such temptations (ie... behind closed doors, alone in a house, or "parking" in secluded places) but the scriptural way to date is that at least some of the dates be alone. When my wife and I were dating, one of our favorite past times was to go to a park during the day and sit on a blanket with a picnic lunch and fly a kite. There were other people around so the temptation to get physical was at a minimum and yet we were able to get to know each other and work out small problems before we ever got married! We have great memories from those days and often discussed serious issues and differences as we sat there watching the kite fly (and often crash). Ironically, one of our favorite past times now that we are married is to go to a park with a picnic lunch and fly a kite! Even after marriage, we have worked out many problems in this way.

3. A date need not be expensive or elaborate. No doubt there were times that the richest man in the world gave her gifts, but of all the dates that Shulamith and Solomon had, the one that she remembers the best is a simple walk in the country. Women like gifts and enjoy having special dinners and such, but a man need not think that he must possess or spend great amounts of money to court her. In fact, the scriptures are saying that the focus of a date should not be to impress a girl with your riches but to spend time with each other and get to know each other. Certainly there should be times where a special effort is made to make an occasion "fancy," but if a girl is won by riches, then the boy better be ready to keep supplying the riches after the marriage! Shulamith did not want to marry Solomon simply because he had money, but she wanted to find out whether or not she liked him and if their dreams were similar.

4. The man should make some concessions to court the female. Solomon was from Judea and was not used to the countryside, but, because he knew that Shulamith enjoyed the countryside, he was willing to take her on a country walk and even sound excited about it! The man may not enjoy shopping but if the woman that he loves likes shopping, what does it hurt to walk the mall with her every once in a while!? Walking among the stores will give you time to communicate and talk with one another and that is the purpose of dating!

Remember that the dating scene does not end after marriage and that a married couple still needs to "date" after they are married! That is, they should plan every once and a while to get away from the kids and do something where communication is key. Go fishing together; go on a picnic; go walk a mall or garden; simply go for a drive through the countryside. It need not be expensive, but whatever it took to get your spouse is also what it takes to keep them in love with you!

Solomon compares Shulamith to a sheltered dove in a crack in a rock. She has been raised in the country and "sheltered" from many things. Her naivety was not a handicap, however. Shulamith had never had the glamour images of Hollywood to tell her what was beautiful. She did not possess fine clothes or even a large house. She had never been to a "liberal" college where she could be exposed to free thinking and had never lived in a "co-ed" dorm to learn to "relate to men." And yet, Shulamith had a healthy view of sex and men in general. She was not inhibited and had no problem relating to her husband-to-be. Those who choose to live Godly will find that they have much fewer relationship problems and "relating issues" than those who think that they need the example of the world to "teach them how to date."

As they are walking along the countryside, Solomon and Shulamith are obviously discussing potential problems and issues. As they pass a vineyard, they see a little fox digging under the wall trying to get into the garden. Shulamith immediately sees a parallel with the little fox and their little problems.

She tells Solomon to "take" or "seize" the little foxes that spoil the vines. These foxes may be small in stature but in Palestine, they were a huge problem to vineyard keepers. These little foxes dig burrows into the ground for their home and where the vineyard workers had tilled the ground was much easier digging than the hard rocky soil of the mountainside. Therefore, the foxes were attracted to the vineyards and fond of the soil as their homes. The problem was that by digging into the dirt, the roots of the grapevines were exposed which caused the vines to drop their fruit before ripening and harvest. Walls were no good to keep out these small critters because they could easily dig under the barrier so the families of the vineyard keepers would constantly protect and watch over the vineyards to run the foxes away. If they stopped watching even for a few hours, the foxes would quickly return and begin to dig. Being raised in such a family, Shulamith had no doubt many times had the job of shooing away the foxes and was very familiar with the damage that these little animals could perform.

Shulamith realized that there were little problems and little issues that were eating away at the blossoming relationship between her and Solomon. By asking Solomon to "take the little foxes" she is asking for his help and cooperation to face the small issues and deal with them before they turn into serious problems.

It is truly the "little foxes" that spoil the fruit of a relationship. A major fight usually comes from many small things that were ignored or avoided. The small things tend to become big things after being neglected. The second purpose for dating then is to begin to work out the small disagreements. If a couple has trouble working out the small disagreements before they are married, then they will certainly have trouble working them out after they are married. Also notice that Shulamith and Solomon were in the perfect will of God by dating and getting married, but they had problems. Having problems does not mean that you and your partner are out of the will of God for everyone will have problems. One way that you can tell whether or not you and your partner are compatible enough to get married is by whether or not you are able to work out the small problems! If a dating couple has never had a serious disagreement, then they are not really communicating on their dates. The communication and dating process are God's way of letting us see if we are really compatible enough to get beyond the small differences that everyone has. As one marriage counselor put it: "if a couple cannot work through small issues before they get married, then what are they going to do when they have to choose which brand of toothpaste or orange juice to buy?" Marriage introduces many more small things that must be worked out, and the process of "taking the small foxes" must begin in the dating relationship!

Solomon allows his sheep to "feed among the lilies." This is a reference to Solomon's business. For a shepherd to allow his flocks to "feed among the lilies" is to say that the shepherd gives the sheep the best. Shulamith is saying that Solomon is a good king and takes pride in his work in being a "shepherd" over the nation of Israel.

Here we find the reason that Shulamith brought up Solomon's work. It is very unlikely that the king of Israel would have time to make a trip to northern Galilee simply to take a walk in the country and as the walk comes to an end, it becomes obvious that Solomon leaves Shulamith to return to business. He is obviously there on some sort of official business and has taken out time during the day to be with her. Shulamith is voicing her wish that he would not return to his business but would stay with her or at least return soon. Which brings us to our last dating reflection and third reason for dating and a period of engagement:

The night after Solomon came to walk her through the country, Shulamith dreams and thinks about their relationship.

This is a recurring dream that she had of what it would be like to be married to Solomon and live in Jerusalem in the palace. She is already beginning to realize from the courtship that Solomon has to be away in travel quite often and that many nights she would not be able to be with him.

In her dream, she is in Jerusalem and lonely and she is trying to find Solomon but he is away performing the business of a king.

The watchmen were the guards at the city gate, so she asked them if they knew where Solomon was and even leaves the city to look for him.

She finds Solomon outside the city walls and interrupts his work by saying "I will not let you go until you come with me and take me back to the countryside." This is, of course, a dream, but it reveals that Shulamith is really counting the cost of being married to a king. She loves him but she also loves the country. She knows that in the city she will feel like a country girl out of place. She is wondering if her insecurity will cause her to make selfish demands of Solomon's time that he cannot afford. The third reason, then, for the dating and engagement period is for each person to "count the cost" and see if they are compatible to each other's calling and dreams. Keeping these three scriptural guidelines in mind, let's look at some important questions that need to be asked before someone decides to get married:

1. Is the person completely committed to living for God? The scriptures forbid marrying an unbeliever (see II Corinthians 6:14). "Missionary dating" or dating an unbeliever and trying to win them to God at the same time rarely works and usually backfires with the unbeliever pulling the believer away from God. Is the person much more committed to God than you are? Are they not as closely as committed to God as you are? Are your spiritual goals the same? For instance, if the woman feels a burden for Sunday School ministry and children, will the man be supportive of it? Likewise, if the man is called to be an evangelist, is the woman prepared to travel and sacrifice for the kingdom of God?

The best way to see if someone is really committed to God is to view their priorities and their closest friends. Is church and Bible study the center of their life, or do other things take priority? That will most likely not change after marriage. Are their closest friends excited about the things of God, or are they carnal? Usually whomever your future spouse is comfortable around reflects their spiritual condition.

2. Does the person that you are dating make you feel as if you are unconditionally accepted? True love according to scripture is an unconditional love (see I Corinthians 13:4-7). In other words, does your dating partner make you feel as if you need to change to live up to their expectations, or do they choose to love you for who you are right now!? Any kind of "performance expectations" will only get worse after marriage. A good way to tell if the other person loves unconditionally is to view how they respond to the weaknesses of others. Do they constantly criticize other's weaknesses and belittle them? If so, then they will likely do the same to you after you are married. Usually when a person's weaknesses are met with criticism, they will "clam up" and not share their problems. As a result the closeness of the marriage and intimacy will suffer. Also remember that boys will usually treat their wives as they treat their mothers, and girls will usually treat their husbands as they view their fathers or father-like figures in their life.

3. Is the person willing to readily forgive and/or make things right? Forgiveness is the only sin that causes God to withhold mercy (see Matthew 18:35). Peter concludes his teachings on marriage with this verse:

The ability to forgive a wrong and respond with blessing is an important trait to look for when choosing a mate!

4. Is this person financially responsible? Jesus taught that you can tell a lot about a person's spiritual condition by their attitude and handling of money (see Luke 16:11 and I Timothy 6:10). Also, a man should be willing and able to provide for his family. Statistics tells us that more divorces result from financial stress than any other reason.

5. Is this person obedient to scriptural teaching on sex? (Hebrews 13:4) If they are pressuring for premarital sex or physical involvement, then they are not willing to control their desires and bring them into obedience to God's Word. Shulamith, while being a virgin, still had a healthy view of sex. Any extreme view, whether on the conservative or liberal side, can cause problems in a relationship later.

6. Does this person submit to the Godly authority that is over them? (Hebrews 13:17) A lack of submission will always lead to spiritual problems in every area of their life.

Furthermore, the Christian counselor, Joseph C. Dillow, gives the following specific questions for a couple to ask themselves before marriage:

Questions for young women:

1. Does he demonstrate that he has truly died to selfishness? (Ephesians 5:25; Mark 8:34-35)

2. Does he set a spiritual example? (Mark 10:45; John 20:21; Deuteronomy 6:4-10)

3. Does he express a desire to protect you from dangers and difficulties? (Song of Solomon 1:7; Romans 7:2)

4. Is he able to provide for his future family? (I Timothy 5:8; Genesis 2:24; 3:19)

5. Does he assume leadership responsibility in your relationship now? (Song of Solomon 1:7; I Timothy 3:4-5)

6. Does he demonstrate sympathetic understanding? (I Peter 3:7)

7. Does he give you honor? Is he proud of you? (I Peter 3:7)

8. Does he cherish you? (Ephesians 5:29)

9. Does he demonstrate concerned involvement with your problems? (Matthew 11:28; Ephesians 5:27)

10. Is he at ease in demonstrating romantic love? (not physical love) (Song of Solomon chapter 4)

Questions for young men:

1. Would she make a good mother to your children? The average woman spends about 32% of her life as a mother.

2. Does she seem to respect you? (Ephesians 5:33)

3. Is she willing to find her primary identity as your wife and the mother of your children and her secondary identity as a woman with a job or ministry outside the home? (I Corinthians 11:7)

4. Does she have a healthy and Godly view of sex like Shulamith?

5. Can she find joy in being a competent homemaker? (Proverbs 31:11-31)

6. Is she industrious and a self-motivator? (Proverbs 31:13,16,20,24)

Again Shulamith gives a warning against premarital sex and the dangers that it brings. The first time that she warned against premarital sex was after the reflection of the wedding night and the consummation of the marriage act. Then it was as if she was saying "if you want to have the maximum sexual fulfillment within the marriage, then save your physical arousal and relationship for the marriage!" That is, premarital sex diminishes the pleasure of sex within marriage and robs the joy of intimacy and closeness that comes when a man and woman give themselves to only each other.

This time, Shulamith warns against premarital sex after discussing the time of dating and engagement and "the little foxes." It is as if she is saying "premarital sex causes a couple to not spend enough time working out the 'little foxes' and causes serious marriage issues down the road." That is, once a physical line is crossed in a dating couple, the focus of the relationship becomes that physical involvement and much less time is spent in communication and working out the little problems. By not focusing on the "little foxes" before marriage, the couple ensures that they will have a rocky road to walk together after matrimony.

In short, we find that the Bible not only gives guidelines for the time of dating and engagement but also shows the importance of this time period in a couple's relationship. If couples will abide by these guidelines while dating, their marriages will be healthy and much more likely to survive!