The Bible does not present to us the engagement and wedding ceremony of Solomon and Shulamith and then end with a "happily ever after" ending. It presents a realistic view of marriage in that problems come up that must be worked out. No marriage is made on heaven; they are all made on earth. Notice that Solomon and Shulamith were in the perfect will of God and yet they had problems and situations that they had to work out. Counselors estimate that the "honeymoon period" before reality sets in and issues that need to be resolved become apparent lasts approximately 6-10 months in couples that were not sexually active with each other before marriage. In couples that had sex before their marriage, this period is much shorter: sometimes a matter of weeks. This reflection is the first problem to come up in Solomon and Shulamith's marriage. It begins with Shulamith in a semi-conscious state between sleep and awake.

Their first problem was sexual in nature, but was really only a byproduct of another issue that was brooding under the surface. Solomon was obviously staying away from Shulamith on business quite a bit. The deeper problem was that Shulamith was extremely homesick for the country and was having trouble adjusting to city life. The fact that she was asleep "but my heart waketh" means that she was having trouble resting because of her home sickness.

As she was brooding, Solomon came home very late and wanted to make love. That the dew had already started falling indicates that it was extremely late (or early in the morning) when Solomon got home from his official business. Despite the night hour and his obvious weariness, he is looking forward to getting home to his beloved and spending time in intimacy.

Shulamith begins to make excuses. In those days, a king and a queen would have separate bedrooms and would only come together in bed for intimacy. The door is bolted or locked and Shulamith would have to get out of bed to open the door. Her excuses for not making love are quite flimsy and selfish. The first is that she is already undressed and in bed and would have to put on a coat to open the door. In the second, she gets religious and cites the fact that her feet are already washed and that she does not want to "defile them." In those days, the cleanliness of hands and feet before eating and sleeping had become a religious ritual. Of course, Jesus shattered this false teaching during His ministry (John 13:10). She is basically saying "If I get up and open the door, I'll get my feet dirty and will have to wash them again before going back to bed." The theme of her excuses is "I do not want to make love because it is not convenient."

Solomon slid his hand by the window of the door and when she realized that he really desired her, Shulamith had a change of heart.

It was the custom of the time for men to leave a bundle of myrrh as a calling card if a lady that they were visiting was out. However, here it seems as if Solomon had brought Shulamith a present of perfumed ointment and when he was refused, had placed some of it upon the door and lock so that she could smell it. It is obvious that Solomon had a special evening planned and had looked forward to their time together.

Once Shulamith had gotten up to answer the door, Solomon was gone. She looked around but could not find him.

This is very obviously a dream that Shulamith is having because the watchmen and guards of the city would not dare raise a hand to smite the queen. The fact that they beat her in the dream indicates that Shulamith is laying upon her bed and feeling guilty for rejecting Solomon's advances.

Here she directs her attention to the imaginary chorus of the poem and asks them to tell Solomon to come back if they see him.

The problem seems simple but is yet complex. The real issues are that Solomon has been away too often, and Shulamith is homesick. The results are Solomon desiring romance late at night and Shulamith rejecting his advances. It is obvious that sexual problems in the relationship tend to stem from other issues carrying over into the bedroom. With all of this in mind, let's look at some scriptural teaching and see what Solomon and Shulamith were doing wrong.

The scripture is very clear in this matter: it is a sin to reject your spouses advances either by not submitting your body, or by refusing to emotionally respond. When most of the reasoning why couples give excuses to not make love to their spouse is investigated, there is generally a problem of selfishness and sin found. The scripture gives only three conditions from God where it is lawful for a husband and wife to abstain from regular sexual relations:

1. When it is only by mutual consent;

2. When it is only for a short period of time;

3. When the purpose is to devote one's self to prayer.

Of course, when a couple is having sexual problems, prayer is rarely the excuse! Based upon this scripture, Christian counselor Shirley Rice gives three dangers of rejecting your spouse's sexual initiatives:

1. Your fellowship with the Lord is in jeopardy because it is a sin to violate a command of Scripture

2. Your relationship with your mate can be damaged or ruined.

3. You will perhaps tempt your mate to adultery through the resulting anger and frustration.

One of the reasons that some men are so sex craved is that they get very little of it at home! If one is on a fast, then every time they pass the refrigerator, they think about food! The God who created the sexual drive, knows how powerful it is and so He gave us practical instruction in His Word to keep couples from using sex as a weapon. Recent studies indicate that the sexual appetite in regard to frequency of men and women are almost equal. We should never view sex as something "we let them do." There will be times when one of the partners will be tired or exhausted, but, even if it is not the best experience of your life, you should feel privileged to be with your spouse in an intimate way.

Of course, Solomon's approach leaves quite a bit to be desired also. Too many men only show their wife affection or attention late at night when they want sex. They left for work that morning in a hurry, came in and turned on the news. After supper, they worked on whatever project that they have going at the moment. They helped the children with homework, and the only time they show their wife any attention is when they suddenly feel this desire to become "amorous." Although Shulamith's actions were wrong and sinful, they were at least partly brought on by Solomon's attitude to spending meaningful, quality time (not intimacy) with his wife. Everything else was a priority before spending time with her! Countless marriages fail because the husband spends way too much time at work and way too much time on selfish endeavors and not enough time listening to his wife or spending quality time with her. Watching television or being in the same room while reading the newspaper is not "quality time." Quality time is when you are looking at each other and communicating with your minds focused on each other. Most men would get better sexual interest from their wives if they would show more interest in quality time!

As with any problem, the first step to solution was to have a change of attitude about the partner. When you stand before the judgment seat of Christ, God will be interested in whether or not you were faithful in your responsibilities and not how your mate treated you! That is, God is more interested in our response to the problem than placing blame.

There are three levels to every argument:

1. The issue;

2. The past;

3. The relationship.

All arguments begin at level 1. The problems arise when someone elevates the disagreement to level 2 by saying "but you always do that," or "Last month you did such and such." The couple is then only one step away from level 3 which is "I don't know if I really love you anymore," or "maybe we are not meant to be together!" Divorces always come from level 3 arguments and problems. But all arguments would be better resolved if both partners would keep it at level 1!

The imaginary chorus asks a question to get Shulamith to focus on her husband's good points. The key to changing your attitude toward your issue is to change your attitude about your partner, and you do that by reminding yourself of their good points! How many marriage problems are never resolved because the couple do not take time to remind themselves of their spouses' good points.

Here Shulamith begins to remember why Solomon is special to her. She reminds herself of how handsome he is.

Solomon had thick, dark hair and the dark eyes against the white of his eyes is compared to "doves in milk." Verse 13 refers to the common practice of the day of perfuming the beard. Solomon has pleasant-smelling breath.

His fingers are round and full. "Beryl" refers to the healthy pink color of his fingernails. To be as "bright ivory" means to be flat and firm so Solomon's stomach was fit and trim. The reference to blue "sapphires" is difficult but may refer to the blue veins beneath his white skin. His legs were solid with muscle and she compares Solomon to the cedars of Lebanon which were considered the finest trees in the area.

But there is more than just his good looks that Shulamith is drawn to, for Solomon's speech is also sweet and lovely. That is, the words that come from his mouth are good and tender. In Ephesians, Paul gives two characteristics that a Godly husband is to be. He is to be the head of the woman (Ephesians 5:23) and he is to be a "lover" of the woman (Ephesians 5:25). Most problems in marriages today stem from one of these characteristics being out of balance in the man.

Now that her attitude is focused on what she loves in Solomon, then the Chorus reminds her that she knew that Solomon would have to be involved in the affairs of the state before she married him. They have changed her attitude toward her husband, and now are changing her attitude toward the situation. Healing will not come if Shulamith continues to wallow in self pity in her situation.

The garden of Solomon is his work, and Shulamith is reminding herself of why Solomon has not been with her as much as she would have liked.

Now Shulamith reminds herself of her commitment to her husband and accepts the bad with the good. Time and communication are great healers of issues, but many people do not stay in the relationship long enough to give them a chance! For a couple to last, ultimately they must remind themselves of their commitment to each other and refrain from running from their problems.

To review, the first step of solving the problem had three parts and all are things that an individual must first do by themselves before approaching their spouse about an issue:

1. Change your attitude about your spouse by making a list of their good points and focusing upon them. Do not allow the situation to magnify your spouse's bad points. If something else about them "bugs" you, then now is not the time to bring it up. Control the mouth to keep the argument at "level 1."

2. Refuse to allow yourself to wallow in self-pity because of the situation. Everybody has problems in their marriage. Learn to view your problem as a way to grow closer together.

3. Reaffirm your commitment to your mate in your mind and determine to last through the problem no matter what happens. Do not question the overall relationship!

Now Solomon returns to meet with Shulamith, but there is no heated discussion or accusations here, but only love and praise. Most disagreements and problems escalate into heated arguments because the couple has not first followed the three steps outlined in reflection #10 before entering into the discussion. Remember: even if you are right, if your attitude is wrong, then you are wrong!

Solomon begins to give Shulamith praise. Tirzah was an old city in the north of Palestine which was renown for it's beauty. "An army with banners" is a reference to the most powerful military force of the time. Solomon was saying that even though he may have been upset, that her love and beauty defeated any resistance that he had to making things right. Solomon is basically saying that he is willing to do whatever it takes, even if he has to swallow his pride, to get things back to what they should be.

This is the next step to take in resolving a conflict. The spouse who was wronged must be willing to return blessing for insult. Notice the following advice that Peter gave to husbands and wives:

Solomon had been hurt, but if he had responded with hurt, he would have received more hurt. The worst way to get your spouse to change is to repay insult with insult. The scriptural way is when you have been hurt, respond with blessing! And Peter promised that by doing so, you will "inherit a blessing." Peter went on to say:

If you want to be blessed of God, then you must respond to insult and evil with blessing and good. An attitude of revenge will only further sever the relationship.

Solomon then launches into the same exact phrases that he said on his wedding night (see Song 4:1-3)! What Solomon is saying is "I truly forgive you for what has happened, and I refuse to allow this to change anything. I still view you and treat you with the same love as I always have even though you disappointed me."

True forgiveness must happen for there to be a reconciliation of an argument. Most people wrongly think that true forgiveness is forgetting that any thing ever happened, but that is not true. You will both always remember what happened. True forgiveness is releasing the other person from a debt from what happened. That is, even though you remember what happened, you refuse to allow your motives, actions, or words to be influenced by it! Many couples say the words "I forgive you" but really do not forgive because a month later, they are still acting and responding to the hurt. Solomon, even though he was done wrong, is showing Shulamith that he will truly forgive her and will treat her with the same love as if it had never happened. If he had had the attitude, "well I forgive you but I'll never show up at night with a bottle of perfume again," then he really would not have forgiven her because he would have still been holding her in debt to the past. We know and even expect that God will forgive us this way, but only by doing likewise can we truly love our spouse "as Christ loved the church" (Ephesians 5:25).

We have already talked about how that Solomon later in life had many wives and fell into sin. This is an obvious reference to the king's "harem" but how could Solomon already have this many wives if Shulamith was his first true bride? The answer is that in those days, it was very common for kings to inherit a "harem" of women from the previous king. That is, when Solomon took over the throne, he also inherited the women who were under the care of his father. Furthermore, many legal contracts and treaties were signed by the giving of a ruler's daughter to the king as a sign of peace. Solomon had undoubtedly already had many "queens" in the political sense before he married Shulamith. However, in light of the overall message of the Song of Solomon, Solomon's relationship with Shulamith, and the fact that Solomon brings the harem up here indicates that it was very unlikely that he had sexual relationships with these other women. Eventually he would and doing so would lead to his downfall, but at this point, at least, Solomon seemed to have only had a sexual relationship with Shulamith and thus she was the "true queen."

Solomon has brought up the fact that he has the prettiest women in the kingdom at his disposal but yet he remains true to Shulamith! His point is to reaffirm his commitment to their relationship. He is letting her know that he is not going to let their argument cause him to turn to other women even though technically he could easily have any woman in the kingdom for a wife. Therefore the last step this part of the reconciliation is to again remind yourself of your commitment to your spouse!

Solomon again ends with praise of her beauty and how her very appearance brings down any resistance within him. He is obviously still in love with Shulamith!

To review, the second step of resolving the problem had three parts and they are:

1. The one who was wronged must return blessing for insult (I Peter 3:9).

2. The couple must truly forgive each other by refusing to allow the memory of what has happened to affect their actions or thoughts. Remember: true forgiveness is not forgetting but releasing the other person from being in debt to the past!

3. The couple must again reconfirm their commitment to each other in the relationship and refuse to ignore or run from the problem.

This reflection is of Shulamith in a garden. It is springtime and she is alone thinking of how the garden reminds her of the valley where she grew up. The basic conflict with Solomon is over and now Shulamith can reflect on how to avoid such arguments in the future.

As Shulamith is in the garden, she sees and hears a chariot traveling down the road leading north. Suddenly on impulse, she wants to get on the chariot and flee from the city life and return to just being a simple country girl in the valley.

Remember that the problem of Shulamith resisting Solomon's sexual initiatives were really caused by her homesickness and brooding at night about going home. That is, Solomon and Shulamith have resolved the argument that arose, but Shulamith must now take care of the root of the problem: her unresolved feelings of homesickness. If Shulamith does not deal with the root of the problem, then another argument will soon erupt. Notice that Shulamith did not actually get on the chariots but only wanted to go in her "soul."

Again the imaginary chorus plays the role of Shulamith's conscience by calling for her to rein in her heart's dreams and bring herself back to reality. This is the first time in the book that Shulamith's name is actually used. "Shulamite" is the feminine form of "Solomon" in the Hebrew and by using it the chorus is reminding her that she is not complete without Solomon and would never be happy returning to her home alone. Despite being homesick, Shulamith is willing to "rein in" her emotions so that they will not cause another argument or conflict in her marriage. The final step, then, to resolving a conflict is to bring under control the dreams, fantasies, or errant motives that were the root of the conflict. That is, do not just deal with the obvious situation but also take care of the root of the problem before it can cause any more damage.

We have already discussed how that men were created by God to be turned on by what they see and that is why viewing pornography of unrealistic, air-brushed models causes so many problems in a marriage. But we must also note that women were created by God to be turned on by what they feel emotionally! Most women damage their relationships with their husbands by immersing themselves in "soap operas," "romance novels" and other such emotional drama designed to ignite their emotions. These mediums have the same effect on a woman that pornographic pictures and nudity has on a man! By subjecting themselves to a constant exposure to unrealistic love scenes and fabricated emotional romances, women will then inevitably begin to compare their husbands to the men in the dramas. This reflection makes it very clear that just as men must guard what they "see," women must also guard what they "fantasize about." Fantasizing about your husband being like someone else is lust which the scripture clearly identifies as sin.

For convenience, here are the steps to resolving a marital conflict from this lesson put together in one place:

Before you approach your spouse:

1. Change your attitude about your spouse by making a list of their good points and focusing upon them. Do not allow the situation to magnify your spouse's bad points. If something else about them "bugs" you, then now is not the time to bring it up. Control the mouth to keep the argument at "level 1."

2. Refuse to allow yourself to wallow in self-pity because of the situation. Everybody has problems in their marriage. Learn to view your problem as a way to grow closer together.

3. Reaffirm your commitment to your mate in your mind and determine to last through the problem no matter what happens. Do not question the overall relationship!

When you and your spouse come together to resolve the conflict:

1. The one who was wronged must return blessing for insult (I Peter 3:9).

2. The couple must truly forgive each other by refusing to allow the memory of what has happened to affect their actions or thoughts. Remember: true forgiveness is not forgetting but releasing the other person from being in debt to the past!

3. The couple must again reconfirm their commitment to each other in the relationship and refuse to ignore or run from the problem.

And finally, when alone you must:

1. Bring under control the dreams, fantasies, or errant and selfish motives that were the root of the conflict. That is, do not just deal with the obvious situation but also take care of the root of the problem before it can cause any more damage.

Following these guidelines is the way God intended for conflicts within the marriage to be resolved. Anything that goes against these principles will only cause more pain.